A letter from Jane Doe
In response to this and this, a reader identifying herself as Jane Doe writes the following, published here with permission.
Funny you should post this. I’m a childless career woman with a high IQ, although most emphatically not a feminist, and when I read your last post, I just nodded in agreement without commenting.
My reasons for being childless: I married my high school sweetheart. We were going to have children, but we could barely support ourselves, so we were waiting until we had more money. (My grandmother was appalled; my grandfather and several of my great-uncles were in the same line of work as my husband and had no trouble supporting wives and children at the same age. That was before feminism changed the economy so that employers didn’t have to pay a man enough to support a family.) By the time we were more solvent, well, he left me. Not for any particular reason he could give; I think it was just that he grew up in a broken home, so it seemed normal to him. His father was married four times, and his mother ran off when he was a baby and was never heard from again. My husband didn’t learn any concept of sticking with a relationship. His parents were 17 when they conceived him, by the way. Three years later and he’d have been aborted, as would my first boyfriend and my high school best friend. This is what encouraging premarital sex did to people.
I hoped to marry again, but finding someone who wants to commit and raise a family these days is hard. It would have helped if I’d been religious, but unfortunately, when I was in my teens I allowed my parents to pressure me out of my natural inclination to be deeply religious, and I didn’t find my way back until I was in my 30’s. Just another of the ways in which today’s society tears apart the things that hold us together and keeps us on the right track when we don’t have the wisdom to figure it all out for ourselves.
Now I’m 38. I’m considering having some of my eggs frozen because at my age, that’s the only way I’ll have any chance at all, but as I’m still single and have no prospects, I’m not at all sure I’ll ever take it, or that I ought to. I don’t blame the men I meet; if I were a man, I’d want to marry a woman in her 20’s, whose chances of conceiving and delivering a healthy child are much better than mine are.
I’m very bitter, I admit it, at the way our society has discouraged people from making commitments and having real relationships until they’re so old that having children requires expensive and sometimes risky medical assistance. I’m not the only adult who’s approaching middle age alone, childless and lonely.
January 18th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Jane’s response is very interesting, and it is rather sad in many ways. It is also in some ways rather like the situation of my oldest daughter. My daughter is just a little bit older than Jane and has never married. She is very bright, a practicing structural engineer who owns her own home and is making her way in the world quite well. But she has never been able to find the right man, and much of it comes from the sort of things that Jane describes. She continues to date various men, but most of them she sees a few times and then they are history for one reason or another. As she says to me, “Dad, you made me too particular.” We both know that what she means is that she knows what is important and she will will not settle for less. I think she has less and less expectation of meeting the right man as time passes, and she is simply reconciling herself to that fact.
We have one, perhaps two, generations now for whom the idea of a stable, lifetime marriage is just not in their thinking. This was once the norm for everyone. That is not to say that no one ever divorced, but it was once truly rare. Today lifetime marriages are truly rare. I think very few young people (and not so young people) even enter into a marriage today with any expectation that this is a permanent, lifelong relationship. Instead it is seen as something that is to last as long as it is convenient and interesting, but no more. It is only slightly more binding than your contract with your ISP. We have lost so very much!
Jane makes a very damning accusation against her parents when she says that they turned her away from religion as a young person. I think that many parents do this today thinking that they are “enlightening” their children. This is a terrible thing to do to one’s own children, to deprive them of the strength and nurture that faith can provide. It sounds like Jane has recovered this, at least to some degree, and we can hope that it is complete.
Jane says, “if I were a man, I’d want to marry a woman in her 20’s, whose chances of conceiving and delivering a healthy child are much better than mine are.” Jane, if perchance you should read this, please understand that, while the chance to conceive a healthy child is certainly a consideration to any man, there are countless other considerations as well. You say that you are 38. I know that there are lots of 38 year old men who would like to marry 20 year old women, but in many respects they are quite foolish. Sure it can work, but the age gap is significant, particularly in terms of companionship. When they are just talking, the 20 year old will not know about things that happened 25 years ago, but you would, and this makes a difference. You have much to offer at age 38, or at any age, so do not count yourself out. Just be yourself, and wait to see what God has in store for you. Do not be bitter, but have faith in God.
January 30th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Dr. D,
Thank you.